The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbooks


Rehearsing the worst

I know these are supposed to be joke books, but they contain sensible answers to sensible questions. Why not rehearse the solution to a worst case scenario if it ups your chances of survival even a few percent?

-- KK 03/22/04


How to Jump from a Moving Train
Stuff blankets, clothing, or seat cushions underneath your clothes. Wear a thick or rugged jacket if possible. Use a belt to secure some padding around your head, but make certain you can see clearly. Pad your knees, elbows, and hips.

Cover and protect your head with your hands and arms, and roll like a log when you land. do not try to land on your feet. Keep your body straight and try to land so that all parts of your body hit the ground at the same time. You will absorb the impact over a wider area. if you land on your feet, you will most likely break your ankles or legs. Do NOT roll head over heels as if doing a forward somersault.


How to Fend off a Shark
Hit back. If a shark is coming toward you or attacks you, use anything you have in your possession - a camera, probe, harpoon gun, your fist - to hit the shark's eyes or gills, which are the areas most sensitive to pain. Make quick, sharp, repeated jabs in these areas. Sharks are predators and will usually only follow through on an attack if they have the advantage, so making the shark unsure of its advantage in any way possible will increase your chances of survival. Contrary to popular opinion, the shark's nose is not the area to attack, unless you cannot reach the eyes or gills. Hitting the shark simply tells it that you are not defenseless.


How to Perform a Tracheotomy
This procedure, technically called a cricothyroidotomy, should be undertaken only when a person with a throat obstruction is not able to breath at all - no gasping sounds, no coughing - and only after you have attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuver three times without dislodging the obstruction. If possible, someone should call for paramedics while you proceed.